Wednesday, December 17, 2008

It's Been a Week?

Geez! Sorry I haven't been as committed to the blog as I was. It's the holidays, I've actually been selling stuff, and Tina had her baby. Which all have added up to lack of blog-time. And a dirty house.

Tomorrow I will attempt to talk about the economy, a favorite product, and the "new" structure in cosmetics that will happen in the spring. Cue scary music.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Better Living Through Chemistry?

Theoretically, I am mildly depressed, or find myself "a little down" more often than not. My thoughts generally take a simple slight and make it into a huge slam on me as a person. Or, for example, someone doesn't take my advice on a lipstick color and within five minutes or so, I question what the hell I am doing with MY ENTIRE LIFE. I need to lighten up. Or stop navel-gazing. I alternately think my therapist thinks I'm in big trouble and thinks I'm just looking to get attention. I can't tell.

But today I couldn't take Miss Krazy any longer and popped half a Xanax I've had lying around since the Clinton administration (or I stole it from MKBB during a trip to Bev Center) and I feel like $1,000,000.

But isn't that supposed to make me more depressed? Am I actually having anxiety? Why didn't I get a medical degree so I could treat myself? Why can't I have full understanding of the human brain? And existence? See? I take things a little far.

Anyway!!!!! Today, in a shout out to my main gay, JH, of NYC, I love Shu Uemura lipstick. Sheer, but full color, shiny but not glossy, shimmery but not frosted. And it doesn't smell like....well....anything.

Also, this blog is dedicated to JJ and her Lunesta.


From 12/9....
Today is paranoia day. I must be the only one who can't sell anything. Or at least I feel that way. It seems like everyone else is still nabbing the big sales. Not as often, but occasionally. I'm sure it's all in my mind, but holy guacamole am I feeling the pain.

So I am considering asking to go to four days a week in January. Other departments have already downsized like that, so it might be an option with The Boss. He won't like it, but it might be worth a try. Of course, with an extra day off I would have to do something that someday might pay the rent, otherwise I would feel major "holding-up-my-end-of-the-bargain" guilt. So that would mean that one day a week I would have to write the damn novel. Or enough of a short story to send to contests. And if I can't bear to sit with the computer, I will have to go to the gym. MSNBC is off limits, and so is the current book I'm reading. Maybe I'll get desperate enough to go to the gym AND write. That would be awesome.

The new year is bringing a new system for Girl Scout Goal Girls. This time, there's money involved. We'll have five overall yearly goals, and each month we'll have five actions to be accomplished. BUT for every monthly goal not achieved you have to pay $5 into the pot. At the end of the year, we get an expensive dinner, but we're hoping we accomplish so many of our goals we're forced to go to Taco Bell.

So I really need to think about what needs to be accomplished in 2009. Ideas?

Today's product? The Clairsonic facial cleansing brush. It's so soothing and soft as it hums and cleans all the grit and grime off your face. I had it used at a spa in Ashland, Oregon and have loved it ever since. His and hers are on special for $350, but one on it's own is $195, I think.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Dog and Pony Show

Here is the script for the all store meeting The Boss and I performed yesterday. I am working on putting the pics in....

T’was the Weeks Before Christmas…or Little Kate Linington finds the true meaning of the holday’s

Track 1 plays….and remains as background music….

Bill: Good Morning boys and girls….This morning, we have a special presentation for you that I think, at least I hope, we all can learn something from. I am going to read you a cautionary tale…although this is more of a documentary. The book is called “ “.

(Slide show begins….)

Bill: T’was weeks before Christmas and all through Beverly Hills… not a creature was stirring, but that was just the economy. To remedy the silence, the magicians in Never Never Land decided to slash and dash to get some quick cash! Suddenly the prices went lower and lower and lower….and the hoards grew bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger…. This did not go unnoticed by Little Kate Linington who wandered away from her cosmetic counter to see what all the fuss was about….

Bill: Shocked and surprised by the fist fighting women, the shoes flying thru the air and the handbags being torn in two…Little Kate suddenly realized and said to herself:

Kate: (from offstage) “So this is what the holiday’s are all about!”

Bill: Roaming about without a care, Little Kate tried to grab all the expensive, lavish and luxurious items she could nab….Sensing management presence, Little kate disguised herself as an elf sent in to read to shoppers children. Sadly, when children would approach Little Kate, they were greeted with:

Kate: (from offstage) “Get away from me you dirty little kid! Bring Santa’s elf a martini!”

Bill: When parents started calling security, Little Kate realized that her scheme was in danger of failure.

Kate: (from offstage) “ I need the most expensive things Saks has to offer if I am going to have a good holiday, and I know just how to do Ill do it”.

Bill: Taking her cue from an old Kim Cattrall movie, Little Kate posed amongst the mannequins in an attempt to blend in and stay in the store overnight.

Kate: “I know how to avoid those crazy crowds….I just have to avoid those damned AP cameras.”

Bill: Little Kate’s first victim…a turquoise YSL shoe. She carefully snuck up on the display and faster then a flying reindeer, Little Kate had the shoe tucked under her sweater. Peering around snowflakes, Little Kate realized that she had a thirst that needed to be quenched. Sober, for almost 5 full hours, Kate made her way to Snaks where she downed an open bottle of Chardonnay.

Bill: Much refreshed, Little Kate hit the holiday department with a vengeance.

Kate: (from offstage) “Maybe this is where they are hiding the holiday cheer!”

Bill: Losing her sense of purpose, no doubt due to the bottle of wine she had just consumed, Little Kate began to embark on a series of what Asset Protection would later label a frenzy of unexplainable behavior. Opening and eating from tins of cookies, trying tree skirts on as a necklace…She even rushed to a platform of mannequins and started a fight with one of them shouting that they had stolen her Santa hat….

Kate: (from offstage) “Don’t think I didn’t notice your taking my hat!”

Bill: After conversing with yet another mannequin Little Kate suddenly realized that she needed to steal Chanukah too if she was going to truly be happy.

Bill: Crawling under tables and through displays, Little Kate made her way into a cage filled with golden boxes of Chanukah chocolates. Suddenly, a loud clang shocked her into reality.

Kate: (from offstage) “How could I have forgotten about Project Maximizer? People are here all the time!

Bill: She said as an SST Supervisor scolded and trapped her in the cage and called AP assistance.

Bill: Taken to the back of the AP area, cuffed humiliated and belittled, Little Kate begged for her freedom.

Kate: (from offstage) “I wasn’t stealing as much as investigating the spirt of the holidays. Expensive things are what makes the holdays great!”

Bill: Calling Matron Mitchell (who happened to be reorganizing a stock room in the middle of the night) in to aid with the arrest, Little Kate again pleaded for her freedom. After scolding Little Kate, Matron Mitchell gave her usual advice, “You have to ask Bill”.

Kate: (Entering loudly) Put the book away Bill. This ain’t no fairy tale. This is real life and the person with the most toys wins.

Bill: Yet again you are very wrong Kate. And the reason I didn’t have you taken away to the Beverly Hills Police department shoplifting was because I have hopes that we can help you to learn the true meaning of the holidays.

Kate: Listen, I’ve been to the Beverly Hills jail and it’s a cake walk.

Bill: Uh, that was the drunk tank Kate.

Kate: Oh yeah right. teach me the meaning of the holiday’s and cut to the chase Kris Kringle.

Bill: Well Kate, you seem to think that only expensive things make the holidays bright….but the reality is that any gift from the heart makes the season special.

Kate: That’s the cheesiest thing I ever heard.

Bill: Well you may find it cheesy….but it’s the truth. For example….MAC has some great gift sets for well under $100 as Katies shows us….

(Katie enters)
Kate: Well you may have a point, I wouldn’t mind waking up to this set of 5 warm eye shadows. These loose pigments, come in gold dust, gold stroke, melon antique gold, and gold mode. Every color for every girl for every occasion and only $29.50.

Bill: See Kate, are you starting to get it?

Kate: Get what?

Bill: Let’s move on….Maybe the glamorous Ghen can help you to understand that joy can be purchased for under a hundred bucks.

(Ghen enters)
Kate: Midnight Butterflies is the name of the collection. And it’s star product, Radiant Powder for face and body. Looks like fragrance, but it actually adds an invisible finish and shine. And it looks fantastic on your dresser for just $72.00!

Bill: Thank you Ghen…Maybe this one will help you Kate…. Who better to find a good deal then our friend from Boca, Fern Rothenberg..

(Stacey enters)
Kate: I love Chanukah cause you get 8 nights of presents! And on one of those nights it would be great to get the Yves St. Laurent Bow Collection. Three eyeshadows, YSL’s signature hot pink lipstick and a glitter gloss all in this velvet clutch for just $50.00! Happy Chanukah Fern!

Bill: Are you starting to get it yet, Kate?

Kate: These are some good gifts, but I still think money can buy happiness.

Bill: (shaking head) Well, Rachel seems pretty happy with Estee Lauder’s blockbuster.

(Rachel enters)
Kate: Well who wouldn’t? It is 20 eye shadows, 3 blushes, 3 lipsticks, 2 glosses, an eye pencil, full size eye makeup remover, mascara, 4 brushes all tucked into a faux leather case with travel companion piece all for $49.50 with any Lauder fragrance purchase.

Bill: Thanks Rachel….Kate, surely that item alone would help you to see how inexpensive gifts can still pack a punch?

Kate: You know, I can see where being a cheapskate can really pay off.

Bill: No Kate! It’s not about being a cheapskate! It’s about buying affordable gifts that still can bring joy.

Kate: You know what brings me joy?

Bill: Yeah a double martini.

Kate: Well, that and a Dior brush set.

(Diane enters)
Kate: That’s probably expensive.

Bill: Nope, it’s only $60.00.

Kate: Really? A lip brush, a shadow brush, a foundation brush and a blush brush in a Dior case and it’s only $60.00?

Bill: Yes Kate…now you’re getting it.

Kate: That’s amazing!

Bill: And amazing is the word for the always fresh Lydia showing a set from the Fresh line….

(Lydia enters)
Kate: Brown Sugar body polish, Hand treatment and lip treatment for $87.00!

Bill: Thanks Lydia for your usual fresh disposition. Matthew, come on out and show us your inexpensive suggestion….

(Matthew enters)
Kate: Even a fancy line like Kanebo has an option for these economic times. This set includes a full size throat and bust crème which by itself sells for $110.00 but in this set that also comes with a mini hand crème, mini body crème and a Japanese silk scarf in grey and pink for $110.00! I know a couple of busts that could use this stuff…Bill?

Bill: Behave Kate. Okay, this my last chance to help you see the light.

Kate: I think I see the light.

Bill: You do?

Kate: Like every holiday movie. I’ve come to understand that luxury comes in all prices.

(Yerani enters)
Kate: Although this one looks a little expensive. But what she is holding is exclusive to Saks and only $60.00. The Chloe candle is the perfect gift to create the perfect ambience for a night of perfect romance.

Bill: And Yerani is certainly dressed for a night of romance….thanks Yerani.

Bill: Okay Kate, I think you do have the point so now let’s take a moment to tell the people about something special we want to do this year. We all know it’s been a tough year for everyone, but no matter how tough it’s been for all of us it has been even harder for others. Holiday’s are really about children. They aren’t about expensive gifts and decorations. Holidays are about the simple joy that you can see in a childs face when they receive a gift. For lots of children, there won’t be any Christmas. There won’t be any tree there won’t be any gifts. But, we can make a difference. Gentlemen, would you bring out the box.
(Cliff and Greg bring out box)
Bill: This box is going to be outside the Cosmetics office where all of you can donate a new and unwrapped toy.

Kate: (starts to slink over to the boys)

Bill: Matron Mitchell could you ….(gesture towards Kate)

Diane: (comes out and pulls Kate back and stands between her and the boys)

Bill: As I was saying…right before Christmas, the BH Fire Department will pick the toys up and deliver them to underprivileged children who might otherwise have no gifts for the holiday. And I know that a little incentive to do good never hurt anyone, so for every toy you bring in, you will receive a ticket which will be redeemable the last week in December for a piece of cosmetic gratis. The more tickets, the more gratis, so being generous will not only make some kids happy but will make you happy too.

Bill: One more favor….tomorrow is our annual Red Day in Cosmetics…gifts, candy canes and music…so please bring your customers to Cosmetics and if you want to wear red as well, go for it. And lastly, but certainly not least, as a thank you for putting up with my teaching Little Kate the true meaning of the holidays, we have a gift for each of you. Please come get one on your way out.

Kate: Happy Holidays!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Yesterday's Tidbit

I have very little to comment on today. La Mer had a facial event today and I must admit, as a sensitive skin, the only thing I really advocate is the original cream and the concentrate serum. Wash your face with cetaphil, then tone with Clarins or Shiseido Eudermine. Keep it simple. With just those four products, most irritable skin-types would see improvement in 2 weeks.

It looks like 13 for Christmas dinner at the house this year, that's counting the baby that has yet to be born (I wish she'd hurry up!). I'm already building the menu and I think I need to consider renting a table.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


The department gained 4% last month and I was down like $30,000 from last year. Who is getting these sales? Where am I when these clients show up? How come my regulars are MIA? And not the R&B star. I mean, my lack of get up and go probably has something to do with it. And my general ennui, career-wise, could be at fault. But, really?

Well, on the theatre front, things are looking up. Finished up with class #2 of AD's, and now some of the folks from class #1 are talking about forming a little theatre company. It is inspiring to hang out with a bunch of like-minded people for once, and I love the idea that we could start something fresh for ourselves. We'll see how it goes. I've been burned by little theatre companies more than once.

Haven't been reading at all. But I have seen "Twilight" twice. I know, what a good use of my time. But it is delicious fun.

Tonight is the traditional tree lighting ceremony with CD at my house tonight. Cheesy movies, crack Chinese food, wine and ornaments. Should be spectacular.

And Rant:
Don't shop and talk on the phone. It is incredibly rude. Don't sit in a chair at my counter and yak to your god-knows-who about your weekend plans. Don't answer your phone in the middle of a transaction and hold up an index finger to me. It is degrading and makes me feel like giving you bad service. I will not complete your purchase until you are off the phone. I will disdainfully tell you that I'll wait until you finish before continuing, and you waving your hand at me will not speed me up. In fact, you may find I don't move at all and look at you quizzically. If you get irritated, I will pretend not to understand why. I am not your slave. I am a professional and if you treat me like trash you will pay for it. And don't get me started on talking if I'm doing your make-up. I will cut a bitch. Just get off the damn phone. They will wait. You can call them back. And if the world is truly ending and you have to pick it up, take it outside and say excuse me. WHERE WERE YOU BITCHES RAISED?

Product of the day: Today is a hint, not a product. All mascara is basically the same. Brushes, formulation, finish, fibers, or no, in my opinion it all comes out the same. Lancôme, Dior, YSL are all floor favorites, but I wouldn't know the difference in a blind test. Which would be messy if I tried to apply the stuff blind. Or blindfolded. So buy what you like. It doesn't matter.

It's the beginning of the holidays and I can't sell a thing.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Black Sat

Sorry about the long interval between entries, it's been a long week. Thanks to all my loyal readers for the thoughts and sympathy regarding Miss Emma. There is a feeling of release coming out of all the stress and guilt, finally. And Otis T. Whitecat is having a hell of a time taking over as king of the house. He's with us constantly. So adorable.

Business is slightly improved and stock prices have gone up. Black Friday was concentrated on bags and shoes, leaving cosmetics with tumbleweeds blowing through. Money is tight, kiddos, if it ain't on sale, it ain't leaving the store. And make-up is not on sale. It is Saturday and I am bored stiff.

Featured product of the day: The Estee Lauder Blockbuster. With any fragrance purchase you can buy this huuuuuuge set of make-up for just $48! 20 eye shadows, 4 blushes, mascara, 4 lipsticks, gloss, all in a fancy case. I loooove it. It's like those sets you got from your grandmother in the '80's and played with until it was just a pile of brown powder. Very retro/childhood-y!

Had a good time finishing the Sanford book, and Miss EM lent me "Three Bags Full," a mystery about a murdered shepherd whose flock is going to solve the crime. As told from the sheep's perspective. Exceptionally cute, but a bit frustrating because these sheep aren't very smart, well, maybe for sheep they are, but the story is moving a little slow.

Just a little spicy gossip: Two cosmetic girls were caught kissing in the parking lot!!!

I am currently obsessed with making turkey soup out of Thanksgiving leftovers!

The show for the all-store meeting on Friday is shaping up to be a good one!! PR and I did a photo shoot around the store yesterday in preparation. Hilarious. There is a picture of a stranger telling me I'm a "bad girl."

God, I really need to get my nails done.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Special Home Edition

circa 2007

circa 1995

Usually my gimmick is that I write this on the register at work, covertly, on the sly. But today's is written from home, mostly because I wanted to include a picture of my cat, Emma, who passed away yesterday. We put her down after she gave me fifteen years of love and, well, the secrets she knew...I can't even say. She went down a fighter. After spending the whole weekend in bed with her, both of us purring, (barring the goodness of my friends to feed me and make me watch "Twilight,") the minute we showed up at the vet she went into full "extremely irritable"-ness, growling and hissing, but unable to really stand on those stupid hips of hers. She made me feel pretty bad, but I would expect nothing less from that bitchy little cat. I think, after sleeping on it, I can say with confidence, I did the right thing. Thank you, Emma, for being my girl, and I really miss you.

Today is an event at work. If we get any business I will be impressed. I also need to finish my xmas shopping...double discount ends tomorrow.

Favorite cosmetic item of the day: Check out the John Varvatos for women scent. Mmm...peachy!

Friday, November 21, 2008

DANG! Them Is Some Crazy Bitches, Fightin' Over Purses.

So another day in the bizarre world of retail...Handbags and Shoes are up to 70% off on Tuesday and presale started day before yesterday. Which means we have been swamped. It is an hour wait to check out in those departments, and the Chanel bag boutique is being handled by a security force of 3 managers, letting only a handful of people in at a time.Yesterday someone elbowed another woman in the shoe line. Some crazy bitch wanted a bag another lady had just picked up so she scratched it with her fingernails. Times are crazy. Basically taking all these sales are a loss but it clears out inventory, which I guess saves us from certain peril. Or something. The company has been experiencing some lay-offs, but I guess they're not too bad here, at this branch. Also the company has a huge cash reserve for just such occassions as the world coming to an end economically, so we aren't going out of business anytime soon. That's good. Because our stock price just dipped below $3.00. Yikes! So that was the morning meeting.

My job today is to think up a caper for The Boss and I to perform for the store meeting on Dec. 5. This mostly invloves lunch and coming up with ways to make fun of each other. This year's show involves my "character" getting arrested at the Grove for drunk and disorderly conduct, dressed as an elf. But that I have been let out of the clink long enough to do the show and feature all the new gift items in cosmetics.We are upping the ante by using a powerpoint presentation to show photos of my arrest and subsequent jail time. Should be interesting. The Boss's major concern is who he can convince of the cute straight boys in the men department to do the show with us. Shirtless. Always looking out for #1, that one. I am so lucky my $100,000 theatre education is going to good use.

Speaking of. Went on a couple auditions this week. Non-Union commercials are where bad actors go to die. And I can't even book one. Yet. How hard is it to pretend to be a mom driving a Mercedes and making turns? Harder than you might think. Call backs aren't until Dec 2nd, I still have hope. And I could use the money.

Today, just a quick shout out to MAC. All of their gifts sets are cute, usable and affordable. And it's MAC. They have everycolor in the rainbow and some of the hottest trend colors in the business.

My poor little old Emma is acting weird again. So back to the vet for her. It's an interesting struggle. When I'm at home, I'm encouraged not to worry too much about her, but I come to work and all my friends are like, "OMG take her to the vet!" I hate the bad mom feeling. But I think I do need to chill out on the obsessive worrying.

I went to see "Little Dog Laughed" and I can't recommend it enough. It was such a pleasure to see my "freundenvolves" EH and JG as well. It was nice to see a play that was entertaining all the way through. And the Diane character was made for me.

All right. This has been a waste of a day. The Boss says I'm in no mood to write today, but I haven't sold anthing either. GREEEEEAAAAT.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Well, several things have been brought to my attention. I forgot to feature a cosmetics item yesterday, so I'll have to feature 2 today. Also....Well now I've forgotten my also. So that's just one thing. Oh well.

Ok. Today's Items: Concealers Everyone Needs.

Cle de Peau stick concealer- the best. The silkiest stick, easy to carry and at $68 a bit of a show-off "I'm in the know" type item.

Touche Éclat from YSL- Everyone needs a highlighter. This little clicker pen is in every make-up bag on the cosmetics floor. Illuminates the undereye area in one sweep. Come in like 5 colors now.

Laura Mercier Secret Brightening Powder- You know how powder makes everyone look 105 years old? And how concealer cakes, cracks and moves? So you need powder that is fine in texture and won't fall into lines. This is it. I've also used it all over my face if I needed a little lift.

Shiseido Corrector Pencil--How 'bout that weird red spot near your eyebrow? This little guy fixes her right up. Can also create the perfect lip line by drawing outside of the color, then blending.

Ok. That's enough stuff.

Acting Lesson of the Week: Who is that person in the scene with you? What do they mean to you? What keeps you in the relationship? Things to think about.

Robin Thicke's wife, Paula Patton is hot. And incredibly nice. Just FYI. BTW.

Tonight is all about finishing Kahlua supply online purchasing and reading that Sanford book. If any of you are interested in some recommendations (That's you, SM in MT) you could try:

The Secret History by Donna Tartt
The History of Love by Nicole Krause
The Time Traveler's Wife
The Story Of Edgar Sawtelle by That One Dude (PS: I forgot to take this the other night, EM)
And then join the rest of the nerds in the world and read the Twilight series.

Ok. EG and I had Salmon Carpaccio and Albacore Sashimi and a Picasso Roll for lunch. And now I'm starving. Only one more hour in hell.....

Monday, November 17, 2008

Shocking. Really.

A married co-worker went out on a date with someone else or threatened to, or whatever, and is now carrying a "How to Get Divorced" book around with an exceptionally long face. Shocking.

F's date with the guy who bought her the dresses last week was "fine." Her goal is to not put out for a month. Really?

The Iris Johansson book "Quicksand" is awful. Not Shocking. So I started the new John Sanford "Heat Lightning" and it is incredible. SO great. Virgil Flowers is such a great character and Sanford's writing is so articulate, I laugh out loud and visualize each scene with a 360 degree, full-color view. And I haven't been to Minnesota since the eighties.

I just got an employee review. Turns out I don't sell enough stuff from other departments. But I don't know shit about clothes or bags or shoes or jewelry. I work in Cosmetics and am an expert in at least 10 different lines. And you want me to learn about skirts? Really?

I also lost 15 points on said review because I hate opening store credit cards. They are a rip off and have an interest rate of like 27%. But I am not allowed to have an opinion about that. Shocking.

I need to memorize my scene for class tonight, but can't concentrate, what with all the non-business going on. So I went Christmas shopping around the store. we have double discount right now, and it seems stupid to pay full price for anything this season. So I think I got the main players taken care of and I'm making Kahlua for the rest of you. Really. Strong. Kahlua.

I had the best idea ever for a gift for my pops. And all I want to do is go home and start making/designing it. Shocking: I'm crafty n' creative. (Sidenote: When I was in Girl Scouts, I was a camp counselor with my pal KS and we ran the craft shed. I have a bevy of crafty experience.)

Last night I went to The Boss's birthday party and it was a trainwreck, as I knew it would be. Weird people were there and the hostess, SN, wasn't feeling well, had a cut finger, and disappeared into the bedroom for a long period with her boyfriend. Who is strange. So to break up the monotony, my friend and favorite bad-influence BB and I decided to take pictures as if we were getting caught doing coke (that's right, the drug! Shocking!) at a Hollywood party. The pictures turned out GREAT, but pissed of BB's boyfriend, The Boss, and made one of my co-workers JS believe we were actually snorting blow. When it was explained to her that it was just staged and that it was just flour, she asked, "What the hell is Flower? Is it a new drug?"

Shocking. Really.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Let's Do the Numbers

So the company stock is down to around $4 after being down almost 17% in October. Just found out that 95% of the employees in high-end apparel have already taken cuts in their base pay and gone down to a four-day workweek. So what's next? Will there be lay-offs before the holidays? There is a noticeable lack of customer traffic today, and only the employee voices are echoing in the vast space above cosmetics. There is the smell of burnt nerves.

Speaking of, SoCal is on fire again. Everywhere. Lots of people have lost their homes a week and a half before Thanksgiving. LA County is in a state of emergency. And here I am, selling lipstick. Or trying to.

I was reminded today of an evening almost a year ago, when I went to see a revival of "Funny Girl" with my friend CN. They actually had an intermission and as I went to the bathroom I felt like everyone was looking at me. And they were. I thought it was because I looked fabulous, but in fact it was because I had mistaken my lip balm for a BRIGHT RED LIPSTICK and smeared it all over my lip area. I looked like a clown/Baby Jane/cannibal. Thanks for bringing back that little nugget of awesome, CN.

Featured Product I Want To Sell/Buy: La Prarie's The Art of the Bath! Four small candles, Unscented bath gel, unscented bath oil, and 8 different natural oils you can add and combine to make your perfect scent. Flavors include eucalyptus, oriental spices, grapefruit, lavender, and cassis. It also comes with a little mixing bowl! Adorable! All this for just $500.

I have an arch nemesis at work, who we'll call Krazy. It's a little difficult to write about, here on the register as she is everywhere all at once, all the time. Today's instance of absolute Krazy: she approached a customer at Bobbi Brown, who was looking for an eyeshadow. When she noticed a couple girls handling the jar of La Creme at Cle de Peau she ditched the Bobbi customer and went to help the other girls because she knew it would be a bigger sale. Krazy has no concept of what makes good customer service. The best part is she couldn't answer any specific questions about La Creme. She just kept repeating "It's the best." What an asshole.

On a happier note: I have a hot date with EG and her husband at The Formosa Cafe tonight. Hopefully my date won't be too tired to have fun.

Friday, November 14, 2008

I Am Surrounded by Freaks

Well things are a little scary right now. Sales are down. Executives are starting to panic. And shit rolls down hill. So everyone is feeling the financial frustration, but the commissioned associates are really losing it. My friend EG claims our co-worker TP is on diet pills due to evidence of mood swings but I truly believe we're all going a little nuts with sales down like 30%. We don't need chemicals to be this effing bitchy. Like this shark tank needed to be starved. This place was full of bitter jaded old hags BEFORE we started losing money! Step on someone's toes in this environment and prepare to get CUT!

What I wish I had today/sold today: Jo Malone Candle Trousseau. Holy Shit! Ten fantastic candles, a wick clipper, a snuffer-outer, all in a huge leather covered box. It practically sings Jingle Bells to you in the style of Bing Crosby. It's a dream and it smells like heaven. It's $595 dollars and everyone should have one. Seriously. Call me and order-I could use the money.

EG, of diet-pill-rumor fame, was kind enough to make little bookmarks for my novel last night while we were standing around doing nothing, yet while I wasn't watching. She's like a ninja. So now Iris Johansen's "Quicksand" is filled with these little slips of paper saying things like "Stop reading this crap..." and "ewww this book is baaad..." etc. Thanks, EG. You are an ass-face.

Speaking of "Quicksand"- Of course it's terrible but it's particularly infuriating because I think there are like three books in the series before this one. I hate it when I do that. Now I'm stuck reading it and generally pissed off that I ruined the ending of the other two by skipping ahead. That's two more trash novels that are dead to me. What a jip.

Counter Craziness: F was wandering around Beverly Hills at lunch yesterday, a man approached her, took her to Herve Leger, and bought her two dresses totaling $2200. She has a date with him and his black Amex on Sat. I hope it works out, but mostly I hope the level of drama stays at this cinematic level. He's only 16 years older than her. Stay tuned....

Hey guess what? It's the middle of effing November and it was 98 degrees today. I am sick of this shit. I'm not asking for snow, I'm asking for some mid-50's action. I have coats and boots I would like to wear. I don't want to sweat if I use more than a sheet on the bed. Pull it together, Mother Nature.

Luckily, yesterday was also a huge earthquake drill. EG and I participated by buying flashlights and discussing meeting places with our husbands should the big one strike at work. Just FYI: We're all meeting at Target and then we can feast on all my old Nutri-System food that requires no refrigeration. You scoff now, but when you're hungry and the power hasn't been restored in 3 weeks, don't come crying to me. Just kidding! Leave me a note in the courtyard near Formosa Cafe if you get desperate and I may have some instant Sloppy Joe for you. On that note...see you tomorrow.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Would You Like Some Cheese With That Whine?

I have been at work for two hours (now several more:no change) and have sold nothing.

I called AT&T AGAIN about the fact that there is still something on my credit report from 2004 even though I have been working to find out what the hell it is since June. And "We don't know, we can't find any delinquent bill," is not a good enough response unless you plan to call Experian and tell them to take it off and call the collection agency and tell them to stop calling me 47857 times a day. Someone needs to take responsibility and it won't be me. I need a good (read: free) lawyer.

Also, on the phone tip: Why in the world can I not speak on my cellular telephone without the person I'm talking to asking if there is construction in the background? I need a new phone. That is my next phone call. If they can hear me.

Parabens. They are in soooooo many products and if I had my way I would tell any clients who asked about them to bite me. BUT when doctors excise tumors in breast cancer patients they find a whole mess of them. I guess our body really can't process these chemicals. They basically keep the product from rotting and add a sexy slickness to the texture. So as a favor to you, my dear readers, here are some products in my bay that are paraben-free:

Laura Mercier Flawless Skin Crème
Laura Mercier Flawless cleansing line
Laura Mercier Mineral Face Powder/shadow/blushes
Shiseido Benefiance NutriPerfect Day Cream
Shiseido Bio-Performance Intensive Skin Corrective Program
Bobbi Brown Hydrating Face Cream
Bobbi Brown Eye Make-Up Removers (both)
Bobbi Brown Overnight Cream
Bobbi Brown Moisturizing Balm
Bobbi Brown Eye Balm
Cle de Peau: all moisturizers except La Crème
La Mer: Crème, Gel, Lotion, Lifting Face Serum, Concentrate, Eye Concentrate

I am sure that there are more (I only looked at skincare, really), even in my little area here, but these are the ones I found. Honestly, this is twice what I thought I would find. And most of them contain fragrance. Which I despise, but it won't kill you at least.

One of my dearest gays is visiting this week and I need to take him somewhere fab for dinner. Village Idiot? Delancy? Cafe des Artistes? I must decide. Hopefully somewhere near a bar where SH, my favorite drug dealer, and MkBB, my favorite edgy librarian can meet up with us.

For those of you on Library Card Watch: no, I still haven't gotten one.

I think I'm going to buy a book at Rite-Aid momentarily. It will be trashy. And a waste of trees. And I will love it. And when I do finally get that library card, I will donate it to the cause. I promise.

Question: If co-worker/outside work friend, EG is practically a doctor because she read the You: The Owners Manual, why was she so offended when I said I was practically Mexican because I had two meals in a row from Mexican restaurants?

Also: My awesome therapist had a book on her counter entitled "Housekeeping Spanish: How to communicate with your Spanish-speaking Housekeeper." I swear to God. She did. I wanted to borrow but I was too shy to ask. Especially after I had told her all about my Liza Minelli dream.

Thanks for the warm welcome to the blogosphere.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Let's Try this Again

Ok. Putting up my first post was quite a bit more challenging than I thought it would be. Turns out I can't successfully email myself from my work email address. So the whole thought of me typing away while standing at the computer/ register and using my time to some usefulness was caput for a few days. But now, I think I have figured out a way to be at work and blog at the same time. Everyone can heave a sigh of relief. All two of you who read this.

So my original post should have been dated Thursday. And SOOOO much has happened since. I finished the new Michael Connelly, bringing back our favorite Lincoln Lawyer. It was great with a fabulous twist at the end. So that was Saturday. I also saw The Happening (worst movie, possibly ever), Speed Racer (so very delightful!), and Made of Honor (THE HORROR THE HORROR, but I do have a thing for Michelle Monahan). So that's what calling in sick for two days gets me, entertainment-wise.

New and exciting make-up thingy to talk about! I am a huge fan of Frederic Fekkai's hair care. The two things I am obsessed with are the Ironless Straightening Balm (it really cuts down on hair-dryer time) and Set and Spray (which make my vintage curls last all day). My friend, the rep for Fekkai, needs to hand these items over PRONTO. I also just got the new Ageless Hair Mask. Will try this weekend.

Sales are still slow. Half of my sales were knocked out with returns on Sunday.

Acting theory for the week: My lesson this week was all about expectations. When I read a scene that I will perform I get this image in my head, like a movie almost of what I want the scene to look like. That image can sometimes be detrimental to finding the scene organically. In my Shining City scene I really wanted to have an emotional response at certain moments, and those expectations made me force the scene. My emotional responses are inconsistent at best, but I can assure you they won't happen at all if I demand they happen at a certain time or look a certain way. So yes, do the homework, but don't let my expectations shape the scene, listen and let the scene create the response. In the end, letting go of the image I see is the only way to get to it.

I really like expensive wine. And I really don't want to know anything about it. I like my server to choose for me. It's the service I'm after when it comes to booze. Lou's on Vine is a spectacular little wine bar that I had completely forgotten about until HB, scene-partner extraordinaire, took me again last night. Great service and two faboo whites whose names I don't know.

Wish me luck. I am trying to read Neal Stephenson's Quicksilver again. That'll last. Maybe tomorrow I'll finally get a library card and check out some books.

Blogging Boredom

It's 2008 and we just voted Barack Obama into office in an historic, and frankly, exciting election. As a fan of disasters on CNN and MSNBC, this presidential race beat the hell out of almost all the hurricanes. But we are also mixed up in the worst financial crisis ever. The DOW has fallen another 450 points today and talk about DRAMA. I can't get enough.

But the bottom line is this. I work at high-end retail establishment, on flat commission, in cosmetics. Oh, yeah, in Beverly Hills. And I'm not making any money anymore. So this economic crisis is bad. The industry of retail cosmetics is supposedly the last department to feel the crunch, because everyone needs a lipstick or to feel better when they can't buy the $4500 purse. But the bad economy was dropped off at the valet stand and entered cosmetics at the end of August. Will anything ever be the same?

Let me explain the pay structure here. I get 9% of everything I sell. I have a number of hourly make-up artists/skincare specialists who are paid by the hour and assigned to a particular vendor. I work for just the retailer, which means I can sell anything. And basically I depend on those artists to hand me sales and they depend on me to hand them clients. It's never that simple, but in a perfect world the thirteen artists and the four sales associates (me being one), work together.

Well, I'm bored.

We have no customers and we stand around and talk about the same things over and over. I thought I would log some of these thoughts during this slow, painful, hungry time. Theoretically it will shed some light on the future of our economy and my plight in the dead center of middle class. More likely I will talk about eye shadow. And my attempts to loose weight, find a different job, and my retarded acting career.

Today's thoughts:

Michael Crichton died. I am way more upset than I should be about this.

Why didn't anybody invite me to the No on Prop 8 protest last night? Where are my gays when we have work to do? Oh that's right, MY gays are drinking wine in NYC or Sweden, being fabulous. Oh well, who wanted to do that much walking anyway?

African Violet eye shadow from Laura Mercier is really beautiful. I never used to wear purple eye shadow, thinking it decidedly Lancôme, but had a change of heart sometime last year. I have green eyes and my friend I.C. says I am required by law to exhaust all plum options. And not to wear my favorite greens. And I listened. He cares a lot about eye shadow.

There is a girl at work who is convinced that Obama is going to get assassinated because there won't be enough security for him. Listen, if YOU are concerned, I am sure the Secret Service might be aware of the fact that he's black-ish and some people are going to feel assassinate-y.

There is nothing sweeter than a clean house. Nothing except a housekeeper to clean it for you. Thank you for making my mind feel clearer, Maria. And sorry I thought you were saying pencil instead of Pine-Sol. I am an asshole.

Why does everything I like cost $75 dollars? Therapy, getting my roots done, a good dinner.....all $75 dollars. All the drugs for my cat? $75.

Which brings me to Emma, my fifteen year old cat. I found out today that she will be on pills TWICE A DAY for the rest of her life. I thought we could whittle it down to once a day, but I guess the torture will continue. They have to be force fed, which involves two people, because she insists on eating around them if you put them in food. Jerk-face Emma. But hey, thanks for not dying last week. It makes me feel like you care.

I am really hungry for lunch. I think I'm going to get sushi even though it costs money. I am reading Nelson Demille's The Gate House, and I'm highly disappointed, but I can't stop. So sushi and DeMille.