Saturday, December 6, 2008

Dog and Pony Show

Here is the script for the all store meeting The Boss and I performed yesterday. I am working on putting the pics in....

T’was the Weeks Before Christmas…or Little Kate Linington finds the true meaning of the holday’s

Track 1 plays….and remains as background music….

Bill: Good Morning boys and girls….This morning, we have a special presentation for you that I think, at least I hope, we all can learn something from. I am going to read you a cautionary tale…although this is more of a documentary. The book is called “ “.

(Slide show begins….)

Bill: T’was weeks before Christmas and all through Beverly Hills… not a creature was stirring, but that was just the economy. To remedy the silence, the magicians in Never Never Land decided to slash and dash to get some quick cash! Suddenly the prices went lower and lower and lower….and the hoards grew bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger…. This did not go unnoticed by Little Kate Linington who wandered away from her cosmetic counter to see what all the fuss was about….

Bill: Shocked and surprised by the fist fighting women, the shoes flying thru the air and the handbags being torn in two…Little Kate suddenly realized and said to herself:

Kate: (from offstage) “So this is what the holiday’s are all about!”

Bill: Roaming about without a care, Little Kate tried to grab all the expensive, lavish and luxurious items she could nab….Sensing management presence, Little kate disguised herself as an elf sent in to read to shoppers children. Sadly, when children would approach Little Kate, they were greeted with:

Kate: (from offstage) “Get away from me you dirty little kid! Bring Santa’s elf a martini!”

Bill: When parents started calling security, Little Kate realized that her scheme was in danger of failure.

Kate: (from offstage) “ I need the most expensive things Saks has to offer if I am going to have a good holiday, and I know just how to do Ill do it”.

Bill: Taking her cue from an old Kim Cattrall movie, Little Kate posed amongst the mannequins in an attempt to blend in and stay in the store overnight.

Kate: “I know how to avoid those crazy crowds….I just have to avoid those damned AP cameras.”

Bill: Little Kate’s first victim…a turquoise YSL shoe. She carefully snuck up on the display and faster then a flying reindeer, Little Kate had the shoe tucked under her sweater. Peering around snowflakes, Little Kate realized that she had a thirst that needed to be quenched. Sober, for almost 5 full hours, Kate made her way to Snaks where she downed an open bottle of Chardonnay.

Bill: Much refreshed, Little Kate hit the holiday department with a vengeance.

Kate: (from offstage) “Maybe this is where they are hiding the holiday cheer!”

Bill: Losing her sense of purpose, no doubt due to the bottle of wine she had just consumed, Little Kate began to embark on a series of what Asset Protection would later label a frenzy of unexplainable behavior. Opening and eating from tins of cookies, trying tree skirts on as a necklace…She even rushed to a platform of mannequins and started a fight with one of them shouting that they had stolen her Santa hat….

Kate: (from offstage) “Don’t think I didn’t notice your taking my hat!”

Bill: After conversing with yet another mannequin Little Kate suddenly realized that she needed to steal Chanukah too if she was going to truly be happy.

Bill: Crawling under tables and through displays, Little Kate made her way into a cage filled with golden boxes of Chanukah chocolates. Suddenly, a loud clang shocked her into reality.

Kate: (from offstage) “How could I have forgotten about Project Maximizer? People are here all the time!

Bill: She said as an SST Supervisor scolded and trapped her in the cage and called AP assistance.

Bill: Taken to the back of the AP area, cuffed humiliated and belittled, Little Kate begged for her freedom.

Kate: (from offstage) “I wasn’t stealing as much as investigating the spirt of the holidays. Expensive things are what makes the holdays great!”

Bill: Calling Matron Mitchell (who happened to be reorganizing a stock room in the middle of the night) in to aid with the arrest, Little Kate again pleaded for her freedom. After scolding Little Kate, Matron Mitchell gave her usual advice, “You have to ask Bill”.

Kate: (Entering loudly) Put the book away Bill. This ain’t no fairy tale. This is real life and the person with the most toys wins.

Bill: Yet again you are very wrong Kate. And the reason I didn’t have you taken away to the Beverly Hills Police department shoplifting was because I have hopes that we can help you to learn the true meaning of the holidays.

Kate: Listen, I’ve been to the Beverly Hills jail and it’s a cake walk.

Bill: Uh, that was the drunk tank Kate.

Kate: Oh yeah right. teach me the meaning of the holiday’s and cut to the chase Kris Kringle.

Bill: Well Kate, you seem to think that only expensive things make the holidays bright….but the reality is that any gift from the heart makes the season special.

Kate: That’s the cheesiest thing I ever heard.

Bill: Well you may find it cheesy….but it’s the truth. For example….MAC has some great gift sets for well under $100 as Katies shows us….

(Katie enters)
Kate: Well you may have a point, I wouldn’t mind waking up to this set of 5 warm eye shadows. These loose pigments, come in gold dust, gold stroke, melon antique gold, and gold mode. Every color for every girl for every occasion and only $29.50.

Bill: See Kate, are you starting to get it?

Kate: Get what?

Bill: Let’s move on….Maybe the glamorous Ghen can help you to understand that joy can be purchased for under a hundred bucks.

(Ghen enters)
Kate: Midnight Butterflies is the name of the collection. And it’s star product, Radiant Powder for face and body. Looks like fragrance, but it actually adds an invisible finish and shine. And it looks fantastic on your dresser for just $72.00!

Bill: Thank you Ghen…Maybe this one will help you Kate…. Who better to find a good deal then our friend from Boca, Fern Rothenberg..

(Stacey enters)
Kate: I love Chanukah cause you get 8 nights of presents! And on one of those nights it would be great to get the Yves St. Laurent Bow Collection. Three eyeshadows, YSL’s signature hot pink lipstick and a glitter gloss all in this velvet clutch for just $50.00! Happy Chanukah Fern!

Bill: Are you starting to get it yet, Kate?

Kate: These are some good gifts, but I still think money can buy happiness.

Bill: (shaking head) Well, Rachel seems pretty happy with Estee Lauder’s blockbuster.

(Rachel enters)
Kate: Well who wouldn’t? It is 20 eye shadows, 3 blushes, 3 lipsticks, 2 glosses, an eye pencil, full size eye makeup remover, mascara, 4 brushes all tucked into a faux leather case with travel companion piece all for $49.50 with any Lauder fragrance purchase.

Bill: Thanks Rachel….Kate, surely that item alone would help you to see how inexpensive gifts can still pack a punch?

Kate: You know, I can see where being a cheapskate can really pay off.

Bill: No Kate! It’s not about being a cheapskate! It’s about buying affordable gifts that still can bring joy.

Kate: You know what brings me joy?

Bill: Yeah a double martini.

Kate: Well, that and a Dior brush set.

(Diane enters)
Kate: That’s probably expensive.

Bill: Nope, it’s only $60.00.

Kate: Really? A lip brush, a shadow brush, a foundation brush and a blush brush in a Dior case and it’s only $60.00?

Bill: Yes Kate…now you’re getting it.

Kate: That’s amazing!

Bill: And amazing is the word for the always fresh Lydia showing a set from the Fresh line….

(Lydia enters)
Kate: Brown Sugar body polish, Hand treatment and lip treatment for $87.00!

Bill: Thanks Lydia for your usual fresh disposition. Matthew, come on out and show us your inexpensive suggestion….

(Matthew enters)
Kate: Even a fancy line like Kanebo has an option for these economic times. This set includes a full size throat and bust crème which by itself sells for $110.00 but in this set that also comes with a mini hand crème, mini body crème and a Japanese silk scarf in grey and pink for $110.00! I know a couple of busts that could use this stuff…Bill?

Bill: Behave Kate. Okay, this my last chance to help you see the light.

Kate: I think I see the light.

Bill: You do?

Kate: Like every holiday movie. I’ve come to understand that luxury comes in all prices.

(Yerani enters)
Kate: Although this one looks a little expensive. But what she is holding is exclusive to Saks and only $60.00. The Chloe candle is the perfect gift to create the perfect ambience for a night of perfect romance.

Bill: And Yerani is certainly dressed for a night of romance….thanks Yerani.

Bill: Okay Kate, I think you do have the point so now let’s take a moment to tell the people about something special we want to do this year. We all know it’s been a tough year for everyone, but no matter how tough it’s been for all of us it has been even harder for others. Holiday’s are really about children. They aren’t about expensive gifts and decorations. Holidays are about the simple joy that you can see in a childs face when they receive a gift. For lots of children, there won’t be any Christmas. There won’t be any tree there won’t be any gifts. But, we can make a difference. Gentlemen, would you bring out the box.
(Cliff and Greg bring out box)
Bill: This box is going to be outside the Cosmetics office where all of you can donate a new and unwrapped toy.

Kate: (starts to slink over to the boys)

Bill: Matron Mitchell could you ….(gesture towards Kate)

Diane: (comes out and pulls Kate back and stands between her and the boys)

Bill: As I was saying…right before Christmas, the BH Fire Department will pick the toys up and deliver them to underprivileged children who might otherwise have no gifts for the holiday. And I know that a little incentive to do good never hurt anyone, so for every toy you bring in, you will receive a ticket which will be redeemable the last week in December for a piece of cosmetic gratis. The more tickets, the more gratis, so being generous will not only make some kids happy but will make you happy too.

Bill: One more favor….tomorrow is our annual Red Day in Cosmetics…gifts, candy canes and music…so please bring your customers to Cosmetics and if you want to wear red as well, go for it. And lastly, but certainly not least, as a thank you for putting up with my teaching Little Kate the true meaning of the holidays, we have a gift for each of you. Please come get one on your way out.

Kate: Happy Holidays!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Yesterday's Tidbit

I have very little to comment on today. La Mer had a facial event today and I must admit, as a sensitive skin, the only thing I really advocate is the original cream and the concentrate serum. Wash your face with cetaphil, then tone with Clarins or Shiseido Eudermine. Keep it simple. With just those four products, most irritable skin-types would see improvement in 2 weeks.

It looks like 13 for Christmas dinner at the house this year, that's counting the baby that has yet to be born (I wish she'd hurry up!). I'm already building the menu and I think I need to consider renting a table.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


The department gained 4% last month and I was down like $30,000 from last year. Who is getting these sales? Where am I when these clients show up? How come my regulars are MIA? And not the R&B star. I mean, my lack of get up and go probably has something to do with it. And my general ennui, career-wise, could be at fault. But, really?

Well, on the theatre front, things are looking up. Finished up with class #2 of AD's, and now some of the folks from class #1 are talking about forming a little theatre company. It is inspiring to hang out with a bunch of like-minded people for once, and I love the idea that we could start something fresh for ourselves. We'll see how it goes. I've been burned by little theatre companies more than once.

Haven't been reading at all. But I have seen "Twilight" twice. I know, what a good use of my time. But it is delicious fun.

Tonight is the traditional tree lighting ceremony with CD at my house tonight. Cheesy movies, crack Chinese food, wine and ornaments. Should be spectacular.

And Rant:
Don't shop and talk on the phone. It is incredibly rude. Don't sit in a chair at my counter and yak to your god-knows-who about your weekend plans. Don't answer your phone in the middle of a transaction and hold up an index finger to me. It is degrading and makes me feel like giving you bad service. I will not complete your purchase until you are off the phone. I will disdainfully tell you that I'll wait until you finish before continuing, and you waving your hand at me will not speed me up. In fact, you may find I don't move at all and look at you quizzically. If you get irritated, I will pretend not to understand why. I am not your slave. I am a professional and if you treat me like trash you will pay for it. And don't get me started on talking if I'm doing your make-up. I will cut a bitch. Just get off the damn phone. They will wait. You can call them back. And if the world is truly ending and you have to pick it up, take it outside and say excuse me. WHERE WERE YOU BITCHES RAISED?

Product of the day: Today is a hint, not a product. All mascara is basically the same. Brushes, formulation, finish, fibers, or no, in my opinion it all comes out the same. Lancôme, Dior, YSL are all floor favorites, but I wouldn't know the difference in a blind test. Which would be messy if I tried to apply the stuff blind. Or blindfolded. So buy what you like. It doesn't matter.

It's the beginning of the holidays and I can't sell a thing.