Tuesday, January 27, 2009


In a shocking turn of events: work is slow.

It has been repeatedly stated that I need to do stand-up comedy. I would first like to state that only the foolhardy would ever do that to themselves. AND if I were to start on that adventure I would have to hone what I think is funny about myself to a fine edge. And I'm not really sure what exactly is funny. And is what I think is funny what other people will laugh at? My own poor self-concept screams, "You have no idea what's funny! You are constantly surprised when people laugh at you! Because the truth is they are laughing AT you!!! Because your tired little stories are the most boring shit anyone has ever heard of!!!"

And then I go to a couple of acting classes recently where that voice is referred to as the parrot on your shoulder that should just be ignored. The coach in my viewpoints class kept hollering, "Anything is POSSIBLE!" in my ear. My improv teacher kept saying, "There is no wrong idea!" My husband tells me he'll support me in any endeavor. My parents think I'm approximately 40% more talented than Meryl Streep. So what the fuck? Where am I getting all this bad information? Why am I stuck in the same internal dialogue that I was when I was 20?

Maybe it's because living the positive life is a cheese ball/hair brained idea. It's not realistic and it's not funny. It's too sincere and too clingy and everyone thinks you're full of shit. Isn't there a happy medium? Can't I love myself and still mock everyone else who loves themselves? Hypocrisy is my middle name! I can be late but no one else can be! I am above the law!

I have lost my train of thought due to selling two of Shiseido's Bio-Performance Restoring Cream. What a great cream for dry, mature skin. Use with a little serum, Clarins Double Serum would be my choice, and it will go right into the skin without leaving any residue.

Hmm. OK. So what are my comedy skillz? Making fun of myself? Telling stories about what a huge nerd I was in my childhood? Yelling at bitches in Beverly Hills? Backstabbing bad actors with my gay friends? (OH SHIT KATHY GRIFFIN I'S ABOUT TO STEAL YO MATERIALZ!!!!) If I were to write a stand-up act where the hell would I start? I'm not smart enough to be an executive transvestite explaining the history of the world.

I need a catch phrase.