"Geez I wish she'd stop talking about that extra step that I will never do!"

If you want to be that way, assholes, fine. Be that way. I have no comeback to those not willing to put in the effort. Makeup isn't brain surgery, but...well, yeah. So who cares.

Me. I do. I want perfect lashes. And you do, too. Suck it up and do the extra step. Your brain surgeon will do a better job on you if you're pretty. Everyone knows that. Thank me later.

Estee Lauder Lash Primer Plus 


LANCOME OSCILLATION POWERBOOSTER LUSH PRIMER


Shiseido The Makeup MASCARA BASE 


Armani Soft Lash primer


Smashbox Layer Lash Primer



And if you want more and longer lashes, NeuLash Eyelash Enhancement Serum  really works. There are others out there, but I have seen the results with this one. Watch out for irritation and if you stop using it your lashes will return to normal. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Even really shitty technique with shadow can be improved by massive amounts of mascara!

Ok. I have a obsession with mascara. But I also have a secret belief that they are all the same. But that's not true, because I  hate a bunch of them. So it all comes back to me being a bossy fickle bitch again.

Mascara has what seems like endless possibilities but it boils down to two questions:
Do you want more lashes or longer lashes?
and
Do you require waterproof shit that will not come off without a jack hammer and vaseline or just regular wash it off stuff?

My answers are almost always VOLUME aka more lashes and NOT WATERPROOF...unless it's a wedding or a funeral. Shit that says it curls your lashes is going to encourage curl but just suck it up and buy a curler. I like Nars Eyelash Curler or Shiseido Eyelash Curler. Then put one of these beauties on and call it a day.

YSL Volume Effet Faux Cils : realllly pretty because it looks like patent leather even when dry. The tube runs out of juice very fast but it's worth it  If you have $30 to spend every three weeks.



Armani Eyes To Kill Mascara : the best shit out there. This formula lifts and separates like an extremely expensive bra.



Cle de Peau Volume Mascara : kinda messy, but worth the clean up on aisle 5. Triples the size of an individual lash. I have no proof of that. But that's what it looks like to me.


 Lancome Hypnose Mascara
is just good basic mascara. Nice and soft and not clumpy or shed-y.



Lancome Paris Definicils High Definition Mascara  : I included two lancome mascaras without even meaning to. They make great mascara. It just works. They sell a bunch of it, too.


Chanel Inimitable Waterproof Multi Dimensional Mascara : this has one of those plastic tooth brushes that really apply color to each and every lash. Super popular with my artist buddies.


Christian Dior Diorshow Blackout Mascara : This is one of the ones that I kinda hate. Diorshow Mascara has that big teddy-bear brush that gets mascara all over my face rather than my lashes, but that could be because I am a klutz. It's kinda gloppy, too. But Blackout is VERY black, and I adore really dark shit.


Estee Lauder Magnascopic Maximum Volume Mascara  is suprisingly good. I keep ending up using this because it lasts forever and the brush stays in shape even if you use the tube everyday for a year. But don't do that. Bacteria loves mascara, that's why Oprah will tell you to replace it every three months.

Yes, you dumb hooker, you need different skincare at night.

Hey, let's get a couple of things straight here kids. The cosmetics industry is not trying to rip you off when they want you to use two different products for day and night.

DAY CREAMS are built to protect your skin from the daily bullshit your face has to deal with.  Using anti-oxidants sometimes even SPF, your day shit should be creating a dome effect over your skin so free radicals can't age it, sun can't kill it, and moisture isn't sucked out of it the minute you go outside or stress out about your boss finding out you spend waaaay too much time on Facebook.

NIGHT CREAM is food for your skin. It is the only time your skin really rests and repairs from all the abuse you put it through all effing day. Nourishment can come in several forms, depending on your skin type, but these are the moments you have the chance to really improve the look of your skin by infusing moisture.

Eye Cream also does different shit during the day vs.while you sleep. If you don't want it to look like you have been up all night yelling at cars from a streetcorner, you probably should use an eye cream that gets rid of puffiness and circles during the day, and then a different, heavier cream that give you massive moisture at night so you don't look like a old line-ridden hag before your time.

Those are the basic ideas behind skincare. But my other rules include:
Moisture is good. Use it day and night, even if it's not specifically made for being awake or being asleep.
And
Skin loves habit. The more consistent you make your beauty ritual, the more your skin will be stable and predictable.

So, my favorite eye thingy for day is Laura Mercier Flawless Skin Eye Serum. I love it because it is light in texture and has a crushed pearl finish making your under eye area look all radiant and healthy. It also smells good. It has some good moisture, but most of all it kicks my allergy eye puffs into submission.



At night I enjoy a cream that has the consistency of butter. Seriously. I like heavy duty moisture. And it turns out, the delicate skin under the eye has no oil glands, so even the oily skin kids can use some heavier eye cream. My fave? Shiseido Benefiance Concentrated Anti Wrinkle Eye Cream Simple, silky moisture. I know, I sound sexy gross.

Liners everyone thinks are too hard because they require a brush.

Bobbi Brown Long-Wear Gel Eyeliner   will wear the longest, is waterproof and works in the waterline of the eye. But you have to use a brush. Get over it. Yes, it takes more time and yes, you have to practice to get it right but the results are bar none the best.



Oh hey, this is the brush you should use. Yes, it feels like a pitch when the Bobbi girl/gay says it has to be Bobbi, but what they mean is it has to be synthetic. If you use a natural hair brush it will gum up, be difficult to control,  and ruin your brush to boot. Bobbi made the brush specifically for the liner, so cough up.


EVERYONE HAS ONE: (but not as good, or way expensive)

A couple of things I forgot to mention....

The best eye makeup remover:
LANCOME BI-FACIL EYE MAKEUP REMOVER 

But seriously. Every line has an oily eye makeup remover. They all work. Others I use:
Clarins Instant Eye Makeup Remover
Shiseido The Skincare Instant Eye & Lip Makeup Remover 
Nars Eye Makeup Remover



The other thing that I adore and should use all the time, but I keep forgetting.I own, is Clarisonic PRO Deluxe Professional 4-Speed Skin Care System. This thing rocks. Brushes for all skin types. Makes you feel like you are getting a professional facial every time you use it. In fact, that's where I felt it for the first time.

Wipe that crap off your face, young lady.

The easiest and gentlest way to get your face clean is with a wipe. If these things didn't exist, I would never wash my face before bed. As it is, I rarely wash my face before bed. But you should. Do as I say not as I do I really like Mac Wipes. They are so soft and big and you can get a shit ton of them for $26. I think they have vitamin E and I swear I will buy anything that has E in it..



Also good, but for an oilier skin, Shiseido Pureness Gentle Cleansing Sheets. Although I have dry ass skin and have used them quite a lot with no ill effect. There are only 30 in in here for $17 but they smell real good.


The ones in my bathroom at the moment are Estee Lauder Take It Away Towelettes. Lauder wants me to wash my face with cleanser after I wipe, but I say screw it and go to bed. $17


Now at Target you can get pretty much the same business in a million different forms. I love the Olay line.They have a bunch of cloths but I like Olay Regenerist Micro-Derm Cleansing Cloth, I can't imagine they are as exfoliating as they say, but I like them. Also, for you sensitivos, Olay Daily Facials Fragrance Free ExpressWet Cleansing Cloths for Sensitive Skin, could be exactly what you are looking for.

MMMMM FOAMY

Dry skin is difficult to wash. Water has a tendency to make skin dryer, which seems COUNTER INTUITIVE but is true. So you have to make sure your cleanser doesn't sap moisture from your skin. Using the smallest amount of water  helps too. Well, Shiseido Benefiance Creamy Cleansing Foam. will clean your skin, will foam up with just a little water, gently exfoliate, and not make your skin feel tight or dry.