1/27

In a shocking turn of events: work is slow.

It has been repeatedly stated that I need to do stand-up comedy. I would first like to state that only the foolhardy would ever do that to themselves. AND if I were to start on that adventure I would have to hone what I think is funny about myself to a fine edge. And I'm not really sure what exactly is funny. And is what I think is funny what other people will laugh at? My own poor self-concept screams, "You have no idea what's funny! You are constantly surprised when people laugh at you! Because the truth is they are laughing AT you!!! Because your tired little stories are the most boring shit anyone has ever heard of!!!"

And then I go to a couple of acting classes recently where that voice is referred to as the parrot on your shoulder that should just be ignored. The coach in my viewpoints class kept hollering, "Anything is POSSIBLE!" in my ear. My improv teacher kept saying, "There is no wrong idea!" My husband tells me he'll support me in any endeavor. My parents think I'm approximately 40% more talented than Meryl Streep. So what the fuck? Where am I getting all this bad information? Why am I stuck in the same internal dialogue that I was when I was 20?

Maybe it's because living the positive life is a cheese ball/hair brained idea. It's not realistic and it's not funny. It's too sincere and too clingy and everyone thinks you're full of shit. Isn't there a happy medium? Can't I love myself and still mock everyone else who loves themselves? Hypocrisy is my middle name! I can be late but no one else can be! I am above the law!

I have lost my train of thought due to selling two of Shiseido's Bio-Performance Restoring Cream. What a great cream for dry, mature skin. Use with a little serum, Clarins Double Serum would be my choice, and it will go right into the skin without leaving any residue.

Hmm. OK. So what are my comedy skillz? Making fun of myself? Telling stories about what a huge nerd I was in my childhood? Yelling at bitches in Beverly Hills? Backstabbing bad actors with my gay friends? (OH SHIT KATHY GRIFFIN I'S ABOUT TO STEAL YO MATERIALZ!!!!) If I were to write a stand-up act where the hell would I start? I'm not smart enough to be an executive transvestite explaining the history of the world.

I need a catch phrase.

1/21

In this new era of hope and pride in our country, I would like to point out the greed and insanity of the cosmetics customer. We have a line around the block because they heard we are giving away one free item due to a class action lawsuit from 1997. These crazed hags have nothing better to do with their time than stand in line for a half an hour to get a free mascara? Really? I would pay $23 not to stand in line. And on top of it all, there is no actual business so all of the employees in here are just leaning on the counters watching the bitches grab their scented body lotion. It's a lesson in patience.

1/19 (A couple days ago...)

Well, the company lost 1100 employees last week. Six of them in my department. They took out an entire line, so minus 4 people right there. And so much for cheap hip color. The email that was sent out by the president of the company was a tough one. We're losing all matching funds for our 401k, and any students that were using our college education program will be paying for school themselves now. The company is also cutting costs by more than 50% in 2009. That means 50% less product to sell, which means a 50% pay cut for those on commission. Which SUCKS. I am pretty jealous of those who got laid off. But at the same time, I know that in this economy it's smarter just to hold on to what you have. But spending forty hours a week to make half of what I was making before seems like a huge waste of time. Especially when my time is at such a premium right now.

I am working on the beginning of a novel and really enjoy doing it once I've started. But starting is the challenge. There are so many justifications for not sitting down at the computer. I also have learn to work when my man is home.

I have gotten involved in a new improv experiment that will start shows in March. It's super fun to spend my Sunday beating people up in slow motion. Also, it's good to throw everything I've learned about improv out the window and to just have fun!

I met with my dietician last week and we started a plan for eating better. Unfortunately, she is pregnant and due in two weeks, so oh well for a lasting relationship. Wah Waaaaaa....Anybody have any good low carb meal ideas? I'm growing weary of meat and cheese and veggies already.

Steppenwolf classes start in just a couple weeks. I think I want to do some comedy.

This week is inspiring. I am looking forward to celebrating MLK day with my friendenwolves tonight and Obama's inauguration tomorrow with tiny Jasper. WE DID IT! I'm with the Obama girls: That speech better be good!